Meatleg In Nihon: Democratic Erections

Everyone living in America, no matter what side of the political spectrum you are on (right, left, neutral, liberal, conservative or indifferent) can always agree on the same thing come election time: elections are as annoying as a rash on the private parts. My grandfather once told me that after pinching a few logs in the woods one time, he inadvertently wiped backside with poison ivy; THAT is an election. Last year, I had people calling my house trying to scare me into voting for them last year. “Hi this is Rudie Julie-yani. On September 11t-” CLICK went the receiver!!!!! Annoying. In Colorado we were hammered with Pete Coors (the Beer Maker) promising not to pollute anymore if we would elect him. That's annoying AND stupid. Everything is election in an election year. Internet, newspapers, every TV and radio station. Election this, election that.

Nothing however, I say NOTHING, compares to the annoyance factor of a Japanese election. The first warning signs that you are approaching an election in Japan are the little flyers that are dropped through your mail slot. I don't know how many pounds of paper were wasted on me, next election I will be putting a sign in Japanese outside my door that says “Foreigner! Cannot Vote! Go Away!” Then, they start knocking on your door. They can’t just call and threaten you, they have to wake you up with a doorbell ring and hand you their business card. I cant believe I was startled awake one day at the ass crack of dawn, almost 11:30am, rushed nearly fell over putting my pants on, and then got to the door to see some old man handing me his business card. The guy has no idea how close he came to getting pushed over the second story handrail. Then, after the little bill boards with the candidates pictures are put up everywhere around town,

THEN it REALLY gets annoying.

宣伝車 (sen-den-sha) is how you say Advertising Car. Most of them look something like this:

See that speaker on top? From that speaker is a perpetual commercial that instructs you who to vote for at a suggestively soft 135 decibels or so. The message is always the same. I think that if I knew ZERO Japanese it would be better than being able to understand a little of it, because it is always something like:

“Mr. Yoshida will do his best. Please give him a chance. He will not fail you. He always gives his all.” (repeat 132 times)

They never seem to sleep during the day, so I couldn't either, and they JUST KEEP GOING like a Duracell battery made in hell.

“Mr. Ito will be great for our city. Thank you very much. Please vote for Mr. Ito” (repeat 284 times)

It is really fun when there are two cars passing each other because they don't take a break from screaming at you. It all just runs together so that you hear something like

“Mr. Don't Aoyagi forget will to make vote your for life Mr. better Wada!!!!!!” (repeat 351 times)

Most of the ones in my town were like station wagons, not mini vans or buses, but the decibel factor had to be comparable. I wanted to get a picture of one of these cars but they always went too fast for me to run outside with my camera. The last time I tried to get a picture, I noticed that the noise didn't seem to leave. There was no Doppler effect. It just seemed to hang around. So I went outside to try to take a picture. After almost a minute of looking, I realize that the sound was being broadcast FROM A PLANE! If there had been an ARMY/NAVY surplus store around here I would have headed for it, hoping to find a rocket launcher. The plane was using some vocabulary that I didn't know, so it was broadcasting some thing like:

“oas lk a aouhauh election: odfouhdjh today lnlad; ughubnkfjd lets all alkhljkhou don't forget to lnkjbfdu! ouoiu lkn, mwebeb weaerrecb erayri ioaeir vcohncvon!” (repeat for a few hours)

The only good thing that I really could appreciate from the whole experience was that I learned something about Japanese elections that the USA seriously needs to adopt. The elections here last for several DAYS and the plane was out to remind everyone that it was the last day for voting. Why is it that the USA, the self proclaimed promoter of world democracy, treats its elections like the garbage on a McCrapper’s menu. Elections are gourmet meals, not fast food. It shouldn't be rushed into one day and over before all the votes are counted. The US needs to adopt this practice out of respect for all that have suffered for the chance to vote.
But anyway, back to Japanese elections.

I’m not sure how often elections come along, but I already have my earplugs ready for the next one, not to mention the eggs. And tomatoes. And my own megaphone. I think that during the next election I am going to borrow a friend’s car, make some signs and magnetic stickers for it and drive around saying silly things like:

“Meatleg for world president! Meatleg loves your daughters! Thank you very much! Meatleg can sing Japanese Karaoke better than you can! Meatleg will not try his hardest. Meatleg will embezzle your money and then take it back to America! Vote for Meatleg and he will not give you unwanted grandchildren! Followers hail, Heretics Fail! Meatleg! Meatleg! MEATLEG!!!!!”