My Plan for Japan...

In response to many individual assaults by some of the youngest members of the Japanese population, I have decided to retaliate and change a very horrible part of Japanese culture in the process. I love teaching, and teaching children can be especially rewarding. However, there are two phrases that make every teacher at my school twitch and duck for cover if they are uttered in the classroom: 金玉パンチ！！ and 浣腸 ！！

How these two games got started in Japan I will never know, but they are undoubtedly the two stupidest and MOST PAINFUL games in recorded history. I believe these games start at home, and I believe that they make their way into the classroom with some kind of encouragement from the little bastards’ parents. I have a plan to rectify this encouragement, and I believe it will ultimately alter the course of raising children in Japan.

The first game, 金玉パンチ！！(kin-tama panchi!!) is dreaded by every teacher at our school because every teacher, except for the owner of the school, is male. パンチ(panchi) is the Japanese way to pronounce the word “punch”. 金玉(kin-tama) can be easily translated by breaking it into its two different syllables. 金(kin) means GOLD and 玉(tama) means BALLS. Put the two together, and you have a fairly direct translation of “Family Jewels”. Why Japanese people teach their children, especially the boys, that a good sock in the nuts is some kind of adult/child bonding experience is beyond me, but anytime any kid is a little too loud, rambunctious, or full of energy, he is bound to be prone do some damage in the crotch department and should be treated as dangerous. If someone even mentions the phrase “kin-tama panchi!!” it is time for everyone to have a seat; immediately.

The other stupid game is not AS painful, but the attraction to it is just as baffling. It appears to be related to a game that my grandfather taught me called “stinkfinger” or “stankfanger” (depending upon your dialect). “Stinkfanger” is a game wherein several people each insert one of their own fingers into their own rectum, and then the players, by consensus, determine whose finger smells the worst. Never played it, its legend was just part of my upbringing. 浣腸！！(kan-cho!!) is played by the aggressor clasping BOTH hands together, and extending the index fingers together into a kind of GUN shape, and then forcefully shoving the fingers into the other player’s/victim’s rectum (see diagram below).

Kan-cho, by the way, is Japanese for “ENEMA”. Could this game have evolved from my grandfather and other American G.I.s stationed here in the post WWII occupation of Japan? We may never know. All I know is, I just assume that any child standing behind me for more than half a second deserves an automatic pre-emptive smack in the head. I think of it as a horse’s tail randomly swinging up against its own hindquarters to keep the flies away.

How have I decided to rid this country of these silly games you ask? By selective encouragement. For the “sock in the nuts” game, the plan is already in progress. I am going to a sporting goods store this weekend to buy an XXXL sports cup made of twelve-gauge stainless steel (or hard plastic if no metal version is available). I am then going to TRAIN the brats at school, boys and girls alike, not only to punch me in the kin-tama repeatedly, but also to get a running start and head-butt me in the crotch until they are dizzy. Then, after they are accustomed to my impenetrable balls of steel, they will go home and do the same thing --- to their fathers, uncles, grandfathers and brothers. This is when the real education will start. After the male members of their families get a good taste of the new high power version of 金玉パンチ (kin-tama panchi) they might finally decide it isn’t funny any more and learn to discipline their children. For the “enema” game, I am still thinking. Not sure where I can get a rectal chastity belt. I may have to search pretty hard, or make one and then train the kids to hit me in the rear with the same veracity. It's either that or rig up a mouse trap back there somehow, but that would be dangerous to ME as well as them.

I have heard from my female teaching friends, that kids squeeze an awful lot of breast during the course of the day, but since I don't have those, the women are going to have to figure out how to deal with that on their own. Good luck girls, and may Japanese men everywhere beware the new wave of pain that they are due to receive from their monstrous children.

MINE,
Erich von Meatleg